Chapter Four, In Which Jeff Foxworthy Mocks Me

I just got back from my FIFTH Christmas dinner / present unwrapping orgy (and it’s not even Christmas anymore), this time with my brothers and sisters-in-law and nephews.  Everyone finally had a chance to sit down and see each other after all the “real” Christmas madness had passed and it was a very fun time had by all.  However, as all of my family gatherings seem to do, it produced one of the better redneck quotes I’ve heard in a long time.  So, I decided to sit down and commit to paper (screen? blog?) some of the finer redneck quotes / situations from my family over the years - all true:

1.  If your brother refuses to participate in or even attend your wedding because it’s the first day of hunting season…you might be a redneck.  (This was tonight’s gem)

2.  If your brother has sent you photos of your four-year-old nephew sawing the head off a deer he just shot…you might be a redneck.  (I’d normally post a photo here, but…gruesome…blech)

3.  If at least three of your cousins have been kicked in the head by a bull outside of a rodeo arena…you might be a redneck.

4.  If you’ve personally witnessed at least one of these cousins getting kicked in the head by a bull, after everyone present has already said, “Patrick, you’d better leave that old bull alone now, you hear?”…you might be a redneck.

5.  If any of your family members have to give directions to their house with the phrase, “…and then you’ll turn off the one-lane highway onto the red dirt road and go about five miles up that road until you see an old outhouse…”…you might be a redneck.

6.  If you are skilled in the rules of driving and, more importantly, driving against oncoming traffic on a one-lane country road that’s about a car-and-a-half wide…you might be a redneck.

7.  If you have family members with any of the following names:  Buford, Had, Daught (short for Daughter - her real name), Crimberry, Beulah, Shafter, Vereen, or any females named Billy…you might be a redneck.

8.  If your granddaddy keeps a gun next to his rocking chair to shoot squirrels with…you might be a redneck.

9.  If you learned to shoot a shotgun and drive a John Deere tractor before you were in middle school…you might be a redneck.  (Yours truly!)

10.  10 would be overkill, wouldn’t it?