May I Suggest A Hallmark/KY Merger?

Am I the only one who’s noticed a subtle uptick in the number of “personal lubricant” ads on television lately?  I thought it was just me.  Either that or the “personal lubricant” industry is flush with earnings and is blowing them all on skeezy TV ads just before Valentine’s Day.
And then, this morning, there it [...]

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Here’s A Thought…

When I bcc you on an email out of professional courtesy — so that you can see how a certain situation involving one of your employees is proceeding, even though you’re really not supposed to have this much detail about said situation at your level of involvement and I could get in a lot of trouble for [...]

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Delicious.

Beer!  And bacon!  An unstoppable duo of awesomeness and win.

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OMGWTFBBQ!

I caught myself saying the following heavily acronym-laden phrase today in a meeting, with a completely straight face:
“Do you have an ETA on the BAA for the SE LLC EAP yet? Because we need that ASAP.”
And then silently hated myself for the next hour of the meeting.

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Honeymoon In Manchester

Richard and I have finally finished planning our much-delayed honeymoon and are now scheduled to depart in mid-March for England and then Spain.
The honeymoon itself was delayed due to the fact that we had out-of-state and out-of-country visitors in town for the wedding and wanted to spend time with them, since they’d traveled all that [...]

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Beef. It’s What’s For Office Supplies!

The glue on the envelopes here at work tastes like beef fajitas.  I’m not sure how I feel about this.
On one hand, it’s gross.  Fajita beef-flavored glue?  If I was going to make glue in flavors, beef would not be one of the choices.  Grape, maybe.  Or cherry*.  Or something unexpected, like cream soda.  But [...]

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When The Phone Rings, I Hide

Because of doofuses like this…
Me:  How are you doing today, Mr. Doe?
John Doe:  Fine.  But I have a big problem with my retiree medical insurance.
Me:  Okay, and what seems to be the problem?
John Doe:  I’m afraid that I’m going to lose my coverage.
Me:  Well, I show here that you’re covered through the end of this [...]

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Thanks A Lot, Assholes

Due to recent events, upon which I am unable to elaborate, my company has decided not to distribute bonuses to the rank-and-file employees this year. Thanks.
However, the upper-level executives wouldn’t be upper-level executives without a little bit of cunning under their belts, would they? And so they have decided amongst themselves to give [...]

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You, Ma’am, Are No Ned Gerblansky

Dear “Beauty Advisor” at Walgreen’s:
I might be more willing to entrust my beauty needs to you if you had eyebrows and did not have a laryngectomy.  So please let me buy my $1.99 tube of Wet ‘n’ Wild lip gloss in peace.
I promise that I don’t need your assistance in selecting a shade and I [...]

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A You By Any Other Name

A fun meme from my friend MB McQueen: the DIY Name Generator!  I couldn’t resist…
1. My rock star name (first pet and current car)
Frisky Volvo
Doesn’t really have that Axl Rose-style ring to it, does it?
2. My gangsta name (ice cream flavour and cookie or biscuit)
Mint Chocolate Chip Oreo
I have a feeling that I’d be the [...]

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Misunderstood Idioms, Part 946

Me:  Sometimes I feel like I’m herding cats.
Coworker:  I think you mean cattle.
Me:  No, I meant “cats.”
Coworker:  That doesn’t make sense.  Why would you be herding cats?
Me:  Nevermind…

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Bitches Ain’t Shit

I adore the Ben Folds cover of the “classic” Dr. Dre song “Bitches Ain’t Shit.” But this a cappella version by DeCadence (a student a cappella group from UC Berkeley) is close to eclipsing that cover in terms of sheer lunatic goodness:

Marcel Duchamp would be proud.  L.H.O.O.Q.

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Footwear Fashion-Impaired

I don’t know who it was, but the person next to me in the ladies’ room at my office this afternoon was wearing these abominations:

I can only hope that someone’s gardener was visiting them at work…

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Photo Of The Day

Joaquin Phoenix has apparently become either so drugged out that he can’t spell his own name, or that frog in his hair he was so worried about a few years ago has finally nested inside his brain and the frog’s name is actually “Joaqin.”

Your call, readers.

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Agnetha’s Heaving, Pearlescent Bosom…

If you’d been at Barnes and Noble last Saturday around 6pm, you could have witnessed me skulking shamefully around a section of the store that I normally avoid like the plague: the dreaded Romance section.
I’d taken my sweet little grandmother to the bookstore that evening just to get her out of the house for a [...]

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Overheard In The Office

The skinny, barely adolescent, half-Chinese, half-Mexican temp from Seattle who’s sharing my office:
Him:  Yeah, man. I can’t ever think of the words that I want to say, like, when I want to say them. And that’s why I’m not a rapper.
Me:  …really?  That’s the only thing standing between you and a rap career?
Him:  [...]

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Love + Sex + Robots = Bleurgh

It doesn’t matter if this is remotely feasible.  It doesn’t matter if it’s overwhelmingly sad and disgusting.  It doesn’t matter if the author is nuttier than a Pay Day.  If you call a book Love + Sex With Robots, it’s going to be more popular than vodka in a Soviet bread line.  Talk about a [...]

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