You, Ma’am, Are No Ned Gerblansky

Dear “Beauty Advisor” at Walgreen’s:

I might be more willing to entrust my beauty needs to you if you had eyebrows and did not have a laryngectomy.  So please let me buy my $1.99 tube of Wet ‘n’ Wild lip gloss in peace.

I promise that I don’t need your assistance in selecting a shade and I also don’t need to know about your nail polish sale.

I’m not trying to be an asshole, but your mechanical larynx is really freaking me out and I really have to go now and I probably won’t be coming back.

Love,

K