They Breed ‘Em Big These Days

Overheard in the elevator after work…
Corporate Attorney:  Wow, Missy!  You don’t look like you’ve gained any weight at all during your pregnancy, except in your belly!
Pregnant Missy:  Are you kidding?  I’ve gained 23 pounds so far.
Corporate Attorney:  You’re gonna have a 23 pound baby?!?!

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April Fools!

Oy…
So, I’m back.  And busy.  So I’ll cut straight to the chase here.
Absolute favorite April Fool’s Day joke so far?  Belongs to Seeqpod.  No matter what song or artist you search for today, the first song that will come up is Rick Astley’s “Never Gonna Give You Up.”  Brilliant.
Go give it a try.  You know [...]

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I Just Can’t Help Myself

Fresh off a three-week ban from FARK, which was fresh off a two-week ban, which was fresh off a three-day ban, I’ve now managed to get myself banned for a whopping six weeks.  The ban also came with this email:
K:
Looks like you’re banned for the next six weeks. You were on quite a roll today.
-Moderator
None [...]

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Super Tuesday, Now With Extra Super

Way to do us proud, fellow Texans:
Super Tuesday not for Bexar voters
SAN ANTONIO — All the talk about Super Tuesday apparently caused confusion for many voters in Bexar County.
More than 1,000 calls poured into the Bexar County Elections Department on Monday from voters wanting to know where they could vote in Tuesday’s primary.
Problem is — [...]

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A You By Any Other Name

A fun meme from my friend MB McQueen: the DIY Name Generator!  I couldn’t resist…
1. My rock star name (first pet and current car)
Frisky Volvo
Doesn’t really have that Axl Rose-style ring to it, does it?
2. My gangsta name (ice cream flavour and cookie or biscuit)
Mint Chocolate Chip Oreo
I have a feeling that I’d be the [...]

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Misunderstood Idioms, Part 946

Me:  Sometimes I feel like I’m herding cats.
Coworker:  I think you mean cattle.
Me:  No, I meant “cats.”
Coworker:  That doesn’t make sense.  Why would you be herding cats?
Me:  Nevermind…

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Bitches Ain’t Shit

I adore the Ben Folds cover of the “classic” Dr. Dre song “Bitches Ain’t Shit.” But this a cappella version by DeCadence (a student a cappella group from UC Berkeley) is close to eclipsing that cover in terms of sheer lunatic goodness:

Marcel Duchamp would be proud.  L.H.O.O.Q.

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Footwear Fashion-Impaired

I don’t know who it was, but the person next to me in the ladies’ room at my office this afternoon was wearing these abominations:

I can only hope that someone’s gardener was visiting them at work…

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Photo Of The Day

Joaquin Phoenix has apparently become either so drugged out that he can’t spell his own name, or that frog in his hair he was so worried about a few years ago has finally nested inside his brain and the frog’s name is actually “Joaqin.”

Your call, readers.

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Agnetha’s Heaving, Pearlescent Bosom…

If you’d been at Barnes and Noble last Saturday around 6pm, you could have witnessed me skulking shamefully around a section of the store that I normally avoid like the plague: the dreaded Romance section.
I’d taken my sweet little grandmother to the bookstore that evening just to get her out of the house for a [...]

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Overheard In The Office

The skinny, barely adolescent, half-Chinese, half-Mexican temp from Seattle who’s sharing my office:
Him:  Yeah, man. I can’t ever think of the words that I want to say, like, when I want to say them. And that’s why I’m not a rapper.
Me:  …really?  That’s the only thing standing between you and a rap career?
Him:  [...]

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AVPR

Are you stoked — like TOTALLY stoked — about the awesome new Aliens vs. Predator movie that’s coming out?  Like, oh my freaking God, man, it’s gonna be so freaking awesomely cool, like, I can’t wait to go see it and then, like, go watch WWE Smackdown at Phil’s house afterwards and drink some MGDs [...]

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Down The Rabbit Hole

For me, the best part of this video isn’t how wicked Shlomo’s beatboxing is (even in his early days here), but how at around 2:04 you can see Pete Doherty randomly sitting in the audience, absolutely cracked out of his skull — eyes bugging, the bottle of vodka slipping from his [...]

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Kids These Days…

Our fine friends over at Little Man, What Now? have offered some quality advice on how to handle those damn kids who won’t get off your lawn:
The second course of action, which I employed recently when I discovered some particularly rat-faced specimens sniffing around the back of my house, is to shout obscenity-laden abuse whilst [...]

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A Texan Map of the U.S.

I got a kick out of this post over at Strange Maps:

Sometimes it really does feel like El Paso is that far away from the rest of the state.  The same goes for Amarillo and Brownsville.  They might as well be in different states.  Hell, El Paso isn’t even in the same time zone as [...]

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Rotten Neighbors

Website of the day:  http://www.rottenneighbor.com
What a lovely, voyeuristic tool this is.  And it makes me feel so much better to know that other people out there have horror stories that easily put mine to shame.  My neighbor’s three tiny, yippy, constantly-barking dogs are nothing compared to skeevy Peeping Toms or the stench of death from [...]

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Hebrewland

At my company, we’re spread across not only many different floors of a building, but across many different cities and countires.  Often, the people you communicate with the most are in a completely different country than you.  For that reason, we employ none other than MSN Messenger (a.k.a. IM) to do the bulk of our [...]

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Guilty Pleasures

After spending a large chunk of the [rainy, cold and drizzly] afternoon watching “America’s Most Smartest Model” and then reading the recaps on TWoP (good gravy-fed God, I’m a dork!) I felt the need to purge some of my other guilty pleasures into the keyboard and onto the screen, in hopes that I’m not the only one [...]

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Better Now?

I realize that I have written three very acidic and bitter-sounding posts back to back here.  To prove that I do have a heart — even if it’s shriveled and black the last few days — here’s a highly random sampling of photos that I find both amusing and cute.  Okay, mostly just amusing, but [...]

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If You Lie Down With Dogs…

…you wake up with dirty, thieving scousers.

Fifth Liverpool player is burgled
Dirk Kuyt has become the fifth Liverpool footballer to be burgled in less than 18 months.
The 27-year-old striker’s luxury home in Woolton was targeted on Thursday while he was away on international duty with home country Holland.
Merseyside Police confirmed they were investigating a burglary [...]

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