Happy Leap Year

As I walked out one evening,
Walking down Bristol Street,
The crowds upon the pavement
Were fields of harvest wheat.
And down by the brimming river
I heard a lover sing
Under an arch of the railway:
“Love has no ending.
“I’ll love you, dear, I’ll love you
Till China and Africa meet,
And the river jumps over the mountain
And the salmon sing in the [...]

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OMGWTFBBQ!

I caught myself saying the following heavily acronym-laden phrase today in a meeting, with a completely straight face:
“Do you have an ETA on the BAA for the SE LLC EAP yet? Because we need that ASAP.”
And then silently hated myself for the next hour of the meeting.

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Misunderstood Idioms, Part 946

Me:  Sometimes I feel like I’m herding cats.
Coworker:  I think you mean cattle.
Me:  No, I meant “cats.”
Coworker:  That doesn’t make sense.  Why would you be herding cats?
Me:  Nevermind…

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Overheard In The Office

The skinny, barely adolescent, half-Chinese, half-Mexican temp from Seattle who’s sharing my office:
Him:  Yeah, man. I can’t ever think of the words that I want to say, like, when I want to say them. And that’s why I’m not a rapper.
Me:  …really?  That’s the only thing standing between you and a rap career?
Him:  [...]

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Paging Dr. Evil

Perhaps only in my line of business would you hear the following phrase in a meeting:
“I can’t say that we’re 100% firm without lasers.  With lasers, yes.”
It’s all about the lasers, folks.
Speaking of odd phrases in meetings, never again do I want to hear a 5o-something man in a nice suit who’s presenting on an important [...]

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Thursday Tidbit

These two items from TWoP’s recap of last night’s “Kitchen Nightmares” episode cracked me up this afternoon:
In the kitchen, Brian knocks back a beer and brags about drinking Ramsay under the table. Whatever, Ramsay would be on his eighth glass of whisky and you’d be passed out from his fumes.
and
In the dining room, Ramsay critiques [...]

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Totally Rad

I’ve got nothing but mad, mad love for Natalie Portman.  I really should go right now and add her to my “Girl Crush” list.  But that said, this short piece is – in a perfect little nutshell –why I love the hilarious writers at The Superficial:

Natalie Portman attended the world premiere of her new movie Mr. Magorium’s [...]

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Yo si le voy, le voy al naranja!

Richard and I were at the game last night, predictably, and it was far and away the best game that I’ve personally attended.  Words fail me in describing the electricity of the atmosphere, the fervor of the fans, the heart that our boys displayed out there on the pitch: it was all just amazing.  It [...]

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To-may-to, To-mah-to

We have another classic quote to add to Richard’s Hall of Fame, courtesy of grocery shopping last night:
At the grocery store, as I’m putting a jar of honey into the basket:
Richard:  We don’t need any honey; we already have some at home.
Me:  No, we don’t.  I used it all.
Richard:  Whatever you say…
Later on at home, [...]

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A Shiny Fiddle Made of Gold

From a short but awesome — as always — Tomato Nation post on a topic I’ve always questioned:
…how in the hell anyone is supposed to believe the Devil didn’t beat Johnny’s ass in “The Devil Went Down To Georgia”…
Read the entire post here.  And then go and read the newest Girls’ Bike Club installment while you’re [...]

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The Sargasso Sea

Isn’t it funny how the most unexpected things will get to you sometimes?
I haven’t really cried since my grandfather passed away.  I cried a little and then quickly looked away after I saw him in his casket, looking so small and withered by time.  I cried briefly on the drive home, distraught about leaving my poor [...]

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Odds and Ends

A few things I’ve been meaning to put down before they get rudely shoved aside in my mind by intrusive thoughts of the butterscotch milkshake I’m craving or dress fitting appointments or JDE invoicing or whatever else might randomly slip in:
Random Compliments That I’ve Received Lately and To Which I Have Not Known How To [...]

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We Have Another WINNAR!

My parents are in New York right now on a shopping excursion. This spells trouble in ways too legion to enumerate here. Let’s just get to the quote of the week:
Me: What did you do this morning?Ralph (my dad): Oh, your mother dragged me to some store…Me: What was it called?Ralph: Herpes.Me: …what?Ralph: Herpes.Me: There’s [...]

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WINNAR

Quote of the night:
Billy: I don’t get what’s so bad about ninjas.Kristin: Have you ever fought a ninja?!?

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An Apache Helicopter

As I believe I’ve mentioned elsewhere, Richard is extremely quotable. These aren’t your run-of-the-mill quotes, though. These are less Yeats and more Yogi Berra. Here are a few gems I’ve been saving up over the past few weeks:
Richard has been staring out of the window, dreamily, for a good, solid five minutes.Me: Whatcha thinking about [...]

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Quotes From the Weekend

Scene: St. Arnold’s brewery & tasting room, Jeff and I playing Hnefatafl at our table
Drunk guy: That duddint look like chess. There’zzz too many pawns.
Jeff: It’s not chess, it’s an old Viking game.
Drunk guy: That’zzz a lotta paaaawns.
Jeff: Well, the Vikings liked their pawns.
Drunk guy: I thought they liked fucking up Greenland.
Jeff: Yes, well, I [...]

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“You don’t have Luzianne?!?!?!?”

A short collection of my favorite quotes from Tom, my traveling partner for all of the lame business trips I have to take (including this week’s exercise in extreme patience):
1.  Yeah, you’ve got that short and stocky build.
2.  But you’re a woman!  (after I asked him if I could help him move a heavy box)
3.  Put [...]

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Erratum

On the plane to Denver, in the seats behind me, I overhear this conversation:
Daughter:  Mommy, if the plane crashed, would you save me?
Mother:  Of course I would, sweetheart!  I would do anything to save you!
Daughter:  Really?
Mother:  Really!  I spent three years in the New Jersey court system to save you.  After that, a plane crash [...]

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Chicken Philosophy

Lordy, it’s been a busy week.  I’m finally all moved into my new townhouse.  It’s pretty swank.  I like it a whole lot.  I said that I like it; I’m not in like with it…
In other news, my father was recently laid off after 26 years with his company (which shall remain nameless…BASTARDS).  Just for [...]

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