Reason #48 Why You Shouldn’t Walk Around Barefoot In Your Office, Even If It’s Intolerably Hot And Your Shoes Are Making Your Feet Simultaneously Sweat And Hurt:
You will most likely get a thumbtack imbedded in the ball of your foot, causing you to fall unglamorously to the ground, wailing and shrieking and cursing the Lord with very [...]
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Things not to say to the accounting manager at your company:
Hmm. Your department usually smells like Cheerios, but today it just smells like rubber doll heads.
As if I was expecting her to gesture broadly to a box in the corner of her office, filled with rubber doll heads, and say, “Thanks! I just [...]
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You may remember my strange infatuation with men who three, maybe four, other people in this world also find attractive. One of those men, who I forgot to mention, is dear Tom Hulce.
Tom is probably best known for his eponymous role in Amadeus. The first time I saw Amadeus, I was four years old. My [...]
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If you’d been at Barnes and Noble last Saturday around 6pm, you could have witnessed me skulking shamefully around a section of the store that I normally avoid like the plague: the dreaded Romance section.
I’d taken my sweet little grandmother to the bookstore that evening just to get her out of the house for a [...]
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I have a new gauge for determining how boring a particular conference call is: whether or not I’m able to maintain consciousness.
Yes, I officially fell asleep at my desk this afternoon while on a conference call.
I got plenty of sleep last night; that’s not the culprit. The problem here is that we have roughly three conference [...]
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After spending a large chunk of the [rainy, cold and drizzly] afternoon watching “America’s Most Smartest Model” and then reading the recaps on TWoP (good gravy-fed God, I’m a dork!) I felt the need to purge some of my other guilty pleasures into the keyboard and onto the screen, in hopes that I’m not the only one [...]
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So, I’m making my morning journey upwards in the elevator today. It’s refreshingly nippy outside and our offices have been decorated for Christmas, so I’m in a bit of a holiday mood. Since I’m the only one on the elevator, and I bore easily, I start singing to myself:
Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa [...]
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I have, rather unexpectedly, finally got an evening to myself! We were on our way to pick up Richard’s brother from the airport, but received a phone call* that turned us right back around, so now I’m back home with a bit of spare time for a change. Richard’s brother was flying in from Australia [...]
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I was just thinking to myself the other day, “Wow. It’s been a long time since I’ve publicly embarassed myself at work. Go me!“ Alas, I thought too soon.
Today, in the break room as we were all huddled around the leftover chips and queso from the executive lunch buffet down the hall, I decided to make small talk with Ted. [...]
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Sometimes, you just have one of those days…or weeks…or months that seems interminable. Mired in monotony and vicious cycles of paperwork, you can easily begin to lose sight of why you even go to work every morning in the first place. You start having illogical thoughts like, “I don’t need a paycheck — I don’t [...]
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I have big boobs. For those of you who know me, that’s as aphoristic as it gets.
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I got to have a super-fun conversation today at work (but, really, what else is new?). I was on the phone, perhaps talking a bit too loudly, when my boss’s boss walked past my office. All she heard was this:
Me: Are you going to the doctor or not, asshole?
She peeked her head in the door [...]
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While poking around tonight on YouTube, I found this amazing video of two of the great modern masters, Yo Yo Ma (the cellist) and El Gran Ástor, Ástor Piazzolla (the bandoneon player). If this doesn’t move you, then you’re made of stone:
I think most people have heard of Yo Yo Ma, but Ástor Piazzolla is [...]
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On Friday, I tripped and fell. Actually, it was more like I went ass-over-teakettle and bit it, hard, in front of the entire department, all of whom were gathered to celebrate a fellow co-worker’s birthday. I mean, drink-in-my-hand-flying-everywhere, bruised-and-rugburned-knees, sprained-ankle, down-for-the-count bit it. And since it was only my second week on the job, I’m [...]
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Okay, how utterly sad is it that I was considering buying this?
http://www.childhoodclassicsonline.com/SaluteYourShorts.html
Or this?
http://www.childhoodclassicsonline.com/HeyDude.html
Yeah, I thought so.
Hey, Donkeylips – how about an Awful Waffle?
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You know you’re PMSing when…
1) You’re moved to tears by Gordon Lightfoot’s rendition of “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald” on the radio.
2) You think the pack of eight-year-old boys in front of you at the putt-putt course is taking too long, so you call one of them an asshole and tell them to get [...]
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