Gee, Your Office Smells Like Doll Heads!

Things not to say to the accounting manager at your company:
Hmm. Your department usually smells like Cheerios, but today it just smells like rubber doll heads.
As if I was expecting her to gesture broadly to a box in the corner of her office, filled with rubber doll heads, and say, “Thanks! I just [...]

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They Breed ‘Em Big These Days

Overheard in the elevator after work…
Corporate Attorney:  Wow, Missy!  You don’t look like you’ve gained any weight at all during your pregnancy, except in your belly!
Pregnant Missy:  Are you kidding?  I’ve gained 23 pounds so far.
Corporate Attorney:  You’re gonna have a 23 pound baby?!?!

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Jerry Springer Meets the Health Insurance Industry

Towards the end of a long phone conversation today with one of my field reps, I came across this conversational gem:
Rep:  …so, anyway, the reason I ask is that his daughter’s pregnant and the doctor’s office is saying that the insurance won’t cover the pregnancy.  Do you think it’s because she’s fifteen?
Me:  Her age doesn’t have anything to [...]

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May I Suggest A Hallmark/KY Merger?

Am I the only one who’s noticed a subtle uptick in the number of “personal lubricant” ads on television lately?  I thought it was just me.  Either that or the “personal lubricant” industry is flush with earnings and is blowing them all on skeezy TV ads just before Valentine’s Day.
And then, this morning, there it [...]

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When The Phone Rings, I Hide

Because of doofuses like this…
Me:  How are you doing today, Mr. Doe?
John Doe:  Fine.  But I have a big problem with my retiree medical insurance.
Me:  Okay, and what seems to be the problem?
John Doe:  I’m afraid that I’m going to lose my coverage.
Me:  Well, I show here that you’re covered through the end of this [...]

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You, Ma’am, Are No Ned Gerblansky

Dear “Beauty Advisor” at Walgreen’s:
I might be more willing to entrust my beauty needs to you if you had eyebrows and did not have a laryngectomy.  So please let me buy my $1.99 tube of Wet ‘n’ Wild lip gloss in peace.
I promise that I don’t need your assistance in selecting a shade and I [...]

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Photo Of The Day

Joaquin Phoenix has apparently become either so drugged out that he can’t spell his own name, or that frog in his hair he was so worried about a few years ago has finally nested inside his brain and the frog’s name is actually “Joaqin.”

Your call, readers.

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Life Imitates Art

I may be a huge twat for writing this — nay, even thinking it! — but somehow, the errant strip of fake eyelashes is not the thing that bothers me the most about Laura Bell Bundy here:

The combination of the abstractly-applied eyelashes and the scary, wonky nose lend her entire face the unsettling, jarring appearance of a Modigliani painting.

I [...]

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Stalking Much?

I get all kinds of weird Google searches leading to this blog every day.  From the oddly omnipresent “dirndl fuck” to the mundane “lyrics to chelsea hotel number two,” I’ve seen a lot of search terms and I’ve imagined a lot of disappointed people when they reach a blog that has nothing at all to [...]

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Setting That Bar Low

An idea/meme cribbed from Margo, for my birthday:
Horoscopes!  The notoriously unreliable and far too broadly applicable self-indulgences we all know and love.  Here are mine, for November 11th:
From the Houston Chronicle:
TODAY’S BIRTHDAY (Nov. 11). Knowing where you’d like to be this time next year, you’re motivated to make the choices that will deliver you. You’re [...]

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And While I’m On The Subject Of Phone Calls…

I think that most of us have been through the trials and tribulations of trying to sell something on Craigslist.  Also, if you’re anything like me, you’ve probably scanned the M4M section of the personal ads and sent the most disgusting postings (gross penis pictures included, of course) to all of your straight male friends’ [...]

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The Temp Gets All The Good Calls These Days

I just overheard the temp on the phone with a retired employee who was asking how to spell “HR.”  No, not “Human Resources.”  Just “HR.”
Actually, it’s probably better that I don’t get those calls, since I was cracking up at my desk the entire time and laughing mercilessly at 92-year-olds isn’t exactly considered a “best practice” [...]

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Mad Google Skills

In an ongoing meme, I present the latest Google search terms that have led cyber-wanderers to this page.
The Questions

how much is the david yurman employee discount?
how to vomit discreetly on a plane?
trashy maternity shirts?
pepto bismol okay when pregnant?
free silicone boobs?

 The Superlatives

very very very very sexy boobs
FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!

The Castigations

quit staring at these boobs!
im a dumbass american
i [...]

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Cool… Refreshing… Canola Oil!

While guzzling a can of cheap, Randall’s-brand Slim-Fast Optima this morning, it suddenly occurred to me that I’d never once glanced at the ingredients label, even though I’ve been drinking the foul but useful things on and off since college.  Sure, I always give the nutrition lable a once-over, with self-satisfied thoughts of, “Hey! I’m getting [...]

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Back in Black

I spent eight hours today at an HR compliance seminar — sounds like a doozy, right? But this was the most bizzarre, completely awesome HR seminar I’ve ever been to (and, sadly, I’ve been to many). It began innocuously enough: a hotel meeting room with a name like “Sierra” or “Diamond” or “Martinique” or some [...]

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Really?

In the second of a…well…two-part series on Google searches, I present the latest random search that led someone to this page: a Dutch gentleman (or perhaps a lady) in Utrecht searches for “barbie grits winkle” at 5:03 a.m. and lands here instead.
Can someone out there can clue me in to the hidden meaning of [...]

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Lederhosen Copulation

I’ve noticed a recent rise in web traffic from people doing Google searches and ending up here. Mostly, the Google searches are for the lyrics to “Golden State” by John Doe. I appear to be the only person on earth who’s actually sat down and transcribed those lyrics on the internet. WTF? [...]

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E-Mail Hell

Since one of my favorite pastimes is gently (okay, maybe viciously at times) mocking the people I work with and transcribing some of their better moments, I present you with this head-pounding-against-the-wall chain of e-mails (with all random spacing, spelling and punctuation left intact):
Katharine-
***
-Sev

Sev-
Sorry, nothing came through…
-Katharine

Katharine-
His information cannot be retrieved?
-Sev

Sev-
I’m sorry, I meant that [...]

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Dr. Spock Would Not Approve, My Overly-Tanned Friend

This morning at Starbucks, I had the great fortune of being in line behind a lovely specimen of the local breed of housewife:
Memorial BarbieThis yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of Rolls Royce convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are [...]

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Thank you, come again!

In the ongoing, agonizing struggle to free myself from the townhome that I was leasing (very little of which I’ve bothered to complain about on here because: provokes anger), I had what I thought would be the final walkthrough tonight with the leasing agent and the new tenants. The new tenants are nice enough, I [...]

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