Reason #48 Why You Shouldn’t Walk Around Barefoot In Your Office, Even If It’s Intolerably Hot And Your Shoes Are Making Your Feet Simultaneously Sweat And Hurt:
You will most likely get a thumbtack imbedded in the ball of your foot, causing you to fall unglamorously to the ground, wailing and shrieking and cursing the Lord with very [...]
Archive for the ‘work’ Category
They Breed ‘Em Big These Days
Posted in humor, what?, work on April 10, 2008 | 1 Comment »
Overheard in the elevator after work…
Corporate Attorney: Wow, Missy! You don’t look like you’ve gained any weight at all during your pregnancy, except in your belly!
Pregnant Missy: Are you kidding? I’ve gained 23 pounds so far.
Corporate Attorney: You’re gonna have a 23 pound baby?!?!
Jerry Springer Meets the Health Insurance Industry
Posted in what?, work on February 6, 2008 | 2 Comments »
Towards the end of a long phone conversation today with one of my field reps, I came across this conversational gem:
Rep: …so, anyway, the reason I ask is that his daughter’s pregnant and the doctor’s office is saying that the insurance won’t cover the pregnancy. Do you think it’s because she’s fifteen?
Me: Her age doesn’t have anything to [...]
Here’s A Thought…
Posted in vituperation, work, tagged email, netiquette, office space on January 24, 2008 | 1 Comment »
When I bcc you on an email out of professional courtesy — so that you can see how a certain situation involving one of your employees is proceeding, even though you’re really not supposed to have this much detail about said situation at your level of involvement and I could get in a lot of trouble for [...]
OMGWTFBBQ!
Posted in languages, quotable quotes, work on January 22, 2008 | 2 Comments »
I caught myself saying the following heavily acronym-laden phrase today in a meeting, with a completely straight face:
“Do you have an ETA on the BAA for the SE LLC EAP yet? Because we need that ASAP.”
And then silently hated myself for the next hour of the meeting.
Beef. It’s What’s For Office Supplies!
Posted in work on January 21, 2008 | 2 Comments »
The glue on the envelopes here at work tastes like beef fajitas. I’m not sure how I feel about this.
On one hand, it’s gross. Fajita beef-flavored glue? If I was going to make glue in flavors, beef would not be one of the choices. Grape, maybe. Or cherry*. Or something unexpected, like cream soda. But [...]
When The Phone Rings, I Hide
Posted in vituperation, what?, work on January 16, 2008 | 2 Comments »
Because of doofuses like this…
Me: How are you doing today, Mr. Doe?
John Doe: Fine. But I have a big problem with my retiree medical insurance.
Me: Okay, and what seems to be the problem?
John Doe: I’m afraid that I’m going to lose my coverage.
Me: Well, I show here that you’re covered through the end of this [...]
Thanks A Lot, Assholes
Posted in vituperation, work on January 14, 2008 | 2 Comments »
Due to recent events, upon which I am unable to elaborate, my company has decided not to distribute bonuses to the rank-and-file employees this year. Thanks.
However, the upper-level executives wouldn’t be upper-level executives without a little bit of cunning under their belts, would they? And so they have decided amongst themselves to give [...]
Misunderstood Idioms, Part 946
Posted in humor, quotable quotes, work, tagged English, idioms, language on January 10, 2008 | 5 Comments »
Me: Sometimes I feel like I’m herding cats.
Coworker: I think you mean cattle.
Me: No, I meant “cats.”
Coworker: That doesn’t make sense. Why would you be herding cats?
Me: Nevermind…
Footwear Fashion-Impaired
Posted in humor, work, tagged Crocs, fashion, footwear, shoes on January 9, 2008 | 6 Comments »
I don’t know who it was, but the person next to me in the ladies’ room at my office this afternoon was wearing these abominations:
I can only hope that someone’s gardener was visiting them at work…
Sometimes I’m not so sure about this place…
Posted in work on December 19, 2007 | 3 Comments »
Me: Hey, Betty Sue, do you happen to know where Johnny is? I just went by his office to drop something off, but his nameplate is gone and the office is cleaned out. Did I miss something?
Betty Sue (with shifty eyes): He was…relocated. To Arizona.
Me: I’m sorry?
Betty Sue (still with shifty eyes): He’s no longer working in [...]
Paging Dr. Evil
Posted in quotable quotes, work, tagged lasers on December 12, 2007 | 3 Comments »
Perhaps only in my line of business would you hear the following phrase in a meeting:
“I can’t say that we’re 100% firm without lasers. With lasers, yes.”
It’s all about the lasers, folks.
Speaking of odd phrases in meetings, never again do I want to hear a 5o-something man in a nice suit who’s presenting on an important [...]
Have Yourself a Merry Little Exercise Machine
Posted in work, tagged Christmas, parties on December 9, 2007 | 1 Comment »
We suffered through the one-two punch of company holiday parties this weekend: mine and then Richard’s. Although both were trying in their own ways, there were a few subtle differences between the two.
Greetings
Mine: a flurry of air-kissing that leaves you stunned and disoriented
His: high-fives and cries of “Get yourself a goddamned beer already!”
Music
Mine: salsa music provided by what looked eerily like [...]
Hebrewland
Posted in humor, languages, religion, work, tagged cross-cultural communication, geography, Hanukkah, IM, Israel, Judaism, language, prayer, technology on December 4, 2007 | 3 Comments »
At my company, we’re spread across not only many different floors of a building, but across many different cities and countires. Often, the people you communicate with the most are in a completely different country than you. For that reason, we employ none other than MSN Messenger (a.k.a. IM) to do the bulk of our [...]
Only Assholes Read The New Yorker, Anyway
Posted in vituperation, work on November 21, 2007 | 5 Comments »
In my daily stack of office mail today, there was an angry letter from a disgruntled retiree. This is a daily occurance; in fact, I believe that I could create a standard form letter for them to just fill in with the appropriate personal information and then sign. It would save us all a lot of [...]
Giving Back
Posted in Mexico, current events, work, tagged flooding, Mexico, Tabasco on November 12, 2007 | Leave a Comment »
I know, I know — five posts in two days — but I guess it all got bottled up while I was taking a break from blogging to, you know, get married. Maybe I should have done the NaBloPoMo challenge after all. Anyway…
It’s My Own Fault…
Posted in humor, music, work on November 12, 2007 | Leave a Comment »
I really should have checked my e-mail while I was out on my two-week vacation/wedding/honeymoon shindig.
As a result, I was faced with 276 mother-f’ing, godforsaken e-mails when I finally made it into the office this morning. As of right now, I’ve whittled it down to 194, with the help of a closed door, my headphones and this [...]
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