I know this might be a strange topic for most of you out there, but there’s nothing better when you’re in a bad mood than checking out the latest Eurovision contenders. For those who aren’t initiates into the Cult of Eurovision, it’s a song contest that’s been held every year since 1956. Each country in the “European Broadcasting Union” (yeah…I don’t know what that’s all about) serves up the best artist/group their nation can cobble together and they all compete for the top prize…hosting the competition the next year. Yes, I realize that it’s a rather anticlimactic prize, but it’s all about the glory, people!
You’re sitting there thinking, Jesus, this sounds lame. But just consider the possibilities that a country like Hungary could offer. Or Poland. Or Belarus. Or even little Malta! Now we’re on the same page. This is the same contest that’s responsible for introducing the world to such immeasurable talents as ABBA and t.A.t.u.
Don’t forget the Olsen Brothers! Winners of the Eurovision 2000 competition with their song “Smuk som et Stjerneskud.”
So onto this year’s finalists.
First up, we have Silvia Night, the famous Icelandic television personality with her breakaway hit, “Congratulations Iceland.” It’s a modest song about Silvia’s simple desire to humbly bring the Eurovision prize to her homeland*. With lyrics like these, how could she lose?
So congratulations I have arrived
Im Silvia Night and Im shining so bright
Eurovision nation your dreams will come true
You’ve been waiting forever
For me to save you
Wham bam boom
*Yes, Silvia and I are both fully aware of the concept of “satire,” so shut up.
Next up, we have Finland’s entry: Lordi. Lordi is a band that wants desperately to recapture all of Gwar’s glory, but with far less tongue-in-cheek wink-wink nudge-nudge than we’re used to. Lordi’s song? “Hard Rock Hallelujah.” I mean, look at that song title. Even the song title is trying too hard. And zombie cheerleaders? Oy vey, we get it. You’re hardcore, you’re rebelling against the establishment, you think cheerleaders turning into zombies is biting social commentary.
Gwar would eat you spread on a biscuit for tea. Hell, Hanson would eat you spread on a biscuit for tea.
So, last up we have my favorite entry this year…Texas Lightning. You heard right. Texas Lightning. From what dusty country does this Larry McMurtry-esque band of cowboys hail?, you might ask. What lonely prairies have they walked? What stark deserts laid out across the pillowy black night? Germany. That’s right – German cowboys. Everyone’s S&M dream come true.
The costumes, people! For God’s sake, the costumes!!! And the straw hats! And the high-heeled pink boots! And the little guy in the top right who looks like the bad Nazi in every single Indian Jones movie ever!!!
In a twist that surprised even my cynical, shriveled little pit of a heart, Texas Lightning really aren’t that bad. Their song, “No, No Never” is not the worst piece of country & western music I’ve ever heard. I was expecting something along the lines of Billy Ray Cyrus, but heavier on the cheese. I was pleasantly surprised. This does not mean that I’m going to (a) become a C&W fan or (b) a fan of German C&W music. I’m just going to admit defeat to Eurovision for one night…
…and, come on. Germany hasn’t won Eurovision since 1982.
How can you say “no” to this face???