A short collection of my favorite quotes from Tom, my traveling partner for all of the lame business trips I have to take (including this week’s exercise in extreme patience):
1. Yeah, you’ve got that short and stocky build.
2. But you’re a woman! (after I asked him if I could help him move a heavy box)
3. Put on your seatbelt, young lady.
4. I’m just an old fuddy-duddy. (Yeah, we know, Tom.)
5. But you’re too young to drive! (after I rented the car for one of our trips; the best part is that he was serious)
6. You need to learn to drive with both hands firmly on the wheel! (after I took one hand off for a brief second)
7. Your advertising is very misleading. This is definitely not the best shake in the world. (after a waiter made the mistake of offering “The World’s Best Shake” to Tom and then asking how he liked it)
8. You don’t have salsa?!?!?!? (I don’t know how many times I have to explain to Tom that Waffle Houses in Boise or Holdredge or whatever ridiculous little town we’re in probably don’t carry salsa)
9. You don’t have Luzianne?!?!?!?!? (screamed at the Krispy Kreme Donuts guy while in Idaho)
10. I don’t park up front. (Why not, if there’s a space?) Because I just never expect to get one, so I always just go around to the back.
I am so fucking tired, people. I need to get out of here. Is it Friday yet?