It’s been a while…whatever. Sorry. I hate it, too.
So, I’m processing a death claim today for an employee in South Carolina who passed away directly after quitting his job. The people at our company out there didn’t miss him, since he’d just quit and all, and he didn’t have any family or friends to notice he was missing. Long story short, no one found his body until about a month after he died. Yeah… They have no clue how he died, since the body was so badly decomposed. Needless to say, it’s going to be a while before I can get a death certificate or autopsy report. And I know that by now you’re asking yourself, where is she going with this?
This is where I’m going: I e-mail the whole sordid story to my friend Julie in Seattle because if I don’t talk to someone then I’m just going to sit there and stew about it all day and think about dying of a pulmonary embolism and getting slowly eaten by cats while surrounded by teetering stacks of old newspaper and magazines – not that I’m headed down that particular road right now, thankyouverymuch – I just tend to dwell. And then Julie totally beats my story, hands down.
She sends back an e-mail from one of their company presidents about a female employee of theirs who passed away. Simple enough? No… The e-mail gives a terrific little breakdown of the woman’s disappearance, the discovery of her body along a rural road in the country, and the subsequent arrest of her co-worker for her murder (who is everyone else’s co-worker, I might add). And halfway through the e-mail, I think: Wow. What a crappy way to announce someone’s death. Through an interoffice mass e-mail system, with lurid details of the homicide and arrest. And I then started thinking: Oh, hell. I can think of way worse ways to have your death announced to the world. Which brings us to where we are today.
Way # 73: On the back of a postcard from Las Vegas
Way # 856: In the footnotes of a particularly boring article on Vietnamese economic reform following the Asian Crisis of the 1990s
Way # 49: Post-It
Way # 12: Spelled out in mismatched colors on a Lite-Brite
Way #254: Quarter-page ad in High Times
Way #112: Junk mail-style pamphlet attached to peoples’ front doorknobs with a rubberband
Way # 390: Morse code
Way # 26: Singing telegram
Way # 535: Deathbed confession of junkie whore
Way # 98: Myspace bulletin
Way # 421: Liner notes to an instrumental smooth jazz CD that the building managment has deemed “too jazzy” for the elevators
Way # 82: Etch-a Sketch
Way # 328: New, misspelled tattoo appears on Dave Navarro’s body
Way # 657: High school marching band spelling out entire obituary during extended halftime
Way # 34: Brightly-colored, hand-painted, butcher paper banner hung between two pine trees in the front yard of a nicely manicured lawn in Memorial, next to a brightly-colored, hand-painted, butcher paper banner that reads, “HUNTER WILL YOU GO TO HOMECOMING WITH ME??? LOVE, JILL!”
Way # 852: Build-A-Bear
Way # 289: Foreign exchange student who only repeats phrases phonetically without any concept of what he’s actually saying to people
Way # 57: White text on black background at the end of a low-budget, half-hour reality TV show on HGTV about home makeovers that reads, “This episode of ‘Designed to Sell’ is dedicated to the memory of Jane Doe, who died tragically when she fell face-first into a tub of spackle and drowned after hitting her head on an exposed pipe. But her house sold for 12% above the asking price!!!”
Way # 622: Outlook calendar meeting request
Way # 561: Very Special Episode of Punky Brewster
Okay, people. I need more Ways. I know you’ve got some.