Drunk guy: That duddint look like chess. There’zzz too many pawns.
Jeff: It’s not chess, it’s an old Viking game.
Drunk guy: That’zzz a lotta paaaawns.
Jeff: Well, the Vikings liked their pawns.
Drunk guy: I thought they liked fucking up Greenland.
Jeff: Yes, well, I suppose one doesn’t preclude the other.
Scene: In my car, driving back from the brewery, as I put the Indigo Girls in the CD player
Richard: Turn that awful shite off!
Me: But they’re lesbians. You like lesbians.
Richard: Only when they’re kissing and playing with each other’s private parts.
Scene: Superbowl party with about 15 other people
John’s three-year-old daughter: Do you have a baby in that belly?
Me: No. Why? Does it look like I do?
John’s three-year-old daughter: Yes.