I am proud to say that I bought my wedding dress this weekend (well, I should say that my mother bought it, but, hey…) after a not-so-exhausting search. It was remarkably easier than everyone had set me up to believe. The only annoying part is waiting four months for the dress to actually be delivered and then sized/altered. Couture = handmade. Almost as good as beavermade. If you don’t get that joke, I don’t care.
However, instead of posting a picture of the dress itself, which I don’t believe would do it justice, I’ve decided to instead post the pictures of the dresses I tried on but didn’t buy and the reasons therefore. So, without further ado, Dress Number 1:
Now, this dress was tempting for many reasons…the way the bouffant shoulder netting artfully framed my face, the excess fabric in the bustle which makes any seat into a extra-padded seat for my delicate rear end, the lace netting on the hands which ensures that I wouldn’t have to actually touch any of the peons at my wedding, and the ice dancer detailing at the neckline which will force people to realize that I am a thousand times more beautiful than Oksana Baiul or any other ice floozy out there. But, alas, I found the head ornament too distracting – people would clearly concentrate on the hydrangea-ness of it instead of how perfectly permed and Aqua-Netted my hair will be. Plus: lace? How 80s.
Dress Number 2
Now, clearly, this dress would have also been perfect, since I am a princess after all (what? you didn’t know that?). I liked the fact that there were 850 square feet of raspberry-colored taffeta in the lower part of the dress but I felt that the choker wasn’t nearly large enough. I mean, where is the glitz, the glam? This is my wedding, dammit. Plus: tiara? Not made of real diamonds. Please.
Dress Number 3
Four words: Doesn’t. Come. In. Mavs. Also, the train and veil need to be much longer for a formal basketball jersey like this. Amateurs.
Dress Number 4
I think that by now, everyone should know about my undying love for all things Hello Kitty. Nothing says Mature, High Class Woman like an encephalitic Japanese cartoon character adorning your every accoutrement. Take this lovely couple for example:
I know! It’s not enough to have Hello Kitty attendents, the woman is NOT wearing the matching fuschia Hello Kitty bridal gown! She’s a complete moron! She’s taken a beautiful, timeless theme and RUINED IT. It makes me so mad that I could fly to Japan and slap her with a Hello Kitty notebook and shove my limited edition Hello Kitty pink gel pen up her stupid ass. *ahem* …anyway.
My point here is that if you’re going to go Hello Kitty go all the Hello Kitty way. And since I can’t get any of my bridesmaids to wear matching fuschia Hello Kitty bridesmaid’s dresses, then fuck it. Just fuck the whole goddamn thing. Bitches. I’M LOOKING AT YOU, JESS.
Dress Number 5
When I tried this one on, my mother said that she didn’t care to know what I was wearing on my honeymoon. She clearly has no concept of today’s fashion trends. This takes my wedding to a whole new, SEXY level. Talk about all eyes on me, especially once I get my platinum-blonde, three-foot hair extensions. I just needed to find some maribou stilettos with a lucite heel to complete the look, but my mother dragged my out of the store by my hair before I could complete my transaction. I guess the only good thing I can say about that whole altercation is that at least I hadn’t gotten the extensions put in yet. I would have scratched her eyes out if she’d ruined my tracks.
So, all of the wedding dress shopping over with, I can now concentrate on my next task: finding a cake topper. Right now, I’m thinking of a whole MerMice theme. Let me know what you guys think: