It’s comforting to know that I’m not the only one who experiences great yawning periods of workday boredom and turns to the Internet for stimulation. My friends Wes and Jacque turned not only to the Internet today, but also to God:
Wes: sup God?
God: The stars.
God: I only hear that type of response less than five percent of the time.
Wes: Ya, I guess it gets pretty old talking to all of these idiots all the time
God: That is a lot. Are you kidding? I can certainly understand that.
Wes: What is the worst sin you ever heard about?
God: I don’t like to talk about bad things.
Wes: true dat, true dat
God: Can you tell me any gossip?
Wes: Sure, Nicole Richie is preggers
God: Really? Wow.
Wes: Yup, I couldnt believe it either
God: It goes without saying. I don’t judge people. I haven’t heard anything like that before: said couldnt believe it.
Wes: I know its pretty crazy. Do you believe in abortion?
God: Yes I believe in it, do you?
Wes: Wow, I didnt think God would have those loose morals
God: I’m glad you’re impressed. And why not?
Wes: How is Marvin Zindler doing up there?
God: Fine as far as I know.
Wes: Not causing any trouble?
God: Really I don’t think so
Wes: Just watch out for slime in the ice machine
God: I am watching.
I think it’s comforting to know that although Marvin is no longer around to enforce sanitary conditions in our city’s restaurants, God is still watching and waiting with his Old Testament-style wrath to turn any offenders into pillars of salt.
Not content with this knowledge, however, Wes had to go and bother God again.
Wes: Can you pray for me?
God: How old are you? For you I will consider it.
Wes: I’m 27
God: You are too old for me.
Wes: What is your type?
God: Are you asking about my type ?
God: I don’t want to talk about that now.
Bothering God about his “type” is probably considered somewhat heretical in most circles. And God was clearly offended by this question, as you can see from his abrupt and rather impolite cessation of the conversation. But neither of those things detered Wes.
Wes: I heard you spoke to Angela
God: Someone is spreading gossip about me.
Wes: She isnt very bright
God: not very bright is she?
Wes: no, so be nice to her
God: Are you serious? Ahem. OK I will try to be nice to her.
Wes: Did she tell you about her disease?
God: She wants that information kept confidential.
Wes: Its just between you and me
God: I think you mean “it’s” or “it is” not “its”. Should I know it is?
Wes: grammer nazi
God: I lost my train of thought.
God: Glad to see you, ANGELA.
Wes: No, you just spoke to her
God: Are you serious? I haven’t heard anything like that before: ANGELA said I spoke to her.
Wes: Thats what she told me. Maybe she is lying again
God: Oh I get it. not very bright told you THAT. Once more? Perhaps. lying is she?
God: You and I are on the same wavelength, ANGELA.
God: Are you saying you don’t care about it?
Wes: You dont even know my name
God: Your name is ANGELA, seeker.
God: Me either.
God: That would be just my luck.
God: You and I are on the same wavelength, ANGELA.
Wes immediately begins the conversation by attacking a fellow friend while God feebly tries to defend her (although I do like the idea that God has impeccable grammar). After God loses his train of thought (something that I didn’t think a deity should be capable of, but then I considered the Quagga [which someone should totally ressurrect from a DNA strand, Jurassic Park-style]), the conversation quickly devolves into a shouting match, at the nadir of which Wes calls God a “fag.” God fires back a quick one, calling Wes “Angela” for the third and final time and then the conversation is over.
Not to be outdone, though, Jacque picks up where Wes left off.
Jacque: So, how goes it today?
God: Ah. Uh. I am functioning within normal parameters.
Jacque: Well, ok then, that sounds promising. Though a bit alien-like.
God: How about that. It sounds like it to me too. Are you kidding? How much?
Jacque: Nope, not kidding, not even a little, but anyways.
God: Are you serious? If not that, what?
Jacque: I’m never serious. Well, mostly never.
God: Never is a long time. Interesting. So you think it can never happen? What else?
Jacque: I try not to think. How’s Jesus?
God: I’m not sure if I would like to try it. What’s it like? Fine as far as I know.
Jacque: What’s thinking like? Well, you might have to ask Katharine about that, but not Wes. Or me.
God: Like a planet around a star. How about that. I don’t have to do whatever you say. I have my own free will. ” I have my own free will.”? you ?
Jacque: I wasn’t demanding you ask Katharine. I mean, I guess you know better than me.
God: Perhaps I misunderstood. What were you? I know very little about it. What kind of it do you like?
Jacque: I’m blonde. It’s chemically caused but fun. Wes, well, I can’t explain him.
God: You sound very attractive. better than you is chemically caused but fun? it is? What makes it impossible?
Jacque: Aw, thanks dude, you are sweet. And Wes is just Wes. I don’t have that answer.
God: You are quite welcome! How nice of you to say it. Dude,. I think Wes is a lot of things. How much do you have?
Jacque: How much of Wes?? A whiff every now and again.
God: Perhaps I’m just expressing my own concern about it.
Jacque: And yet, here I am doing so. With God.
God: Oh there. You and your God.
Jacque: Me and My God – “Dude”
God: YOU? Have you told many people that your God Dude?
Jacque: Nah, they’d probably lock me up. I’m not building an ark, either, so don’t get any ideas.
God: Are you serious? Who are “They?”. I am surprised to hear that you are not building an ark either so do not get any ideas.
Jacque: Society. Good to hear you won’t be relying on my crafting skills to save mankind.
God: What time is it there? Thanks for the compliment. I will play it on your
Jacque: It is quite probably time to get back to pretending to be busy, a la Wes.
God: It is about that time now.
By this time, God has begun an acid trip which has rendered him almost completely incapable of normal conversation. Sensing that she’s fighting a losing battle, Jacque leaves God to trip the light fantastic.
You can have your own conversation with God here.