Tonight I have decided to make a list. I enjoy list-making. It helps you center your priorities and focus on things which might otherwise slip away into some lonely non-list-having realm. I should also mention that I am quite drunk. Henceforth, some of what I may type may or may not make sense. That’s a lot of “may” sounds in one sentence. But regardless of how much sense I may or may not make, you can rest assured of one thing: my spelling and punctuation shall be impeccable!
Things I Have Done Of Which I Should Rightly Be Ashamed:
- Broke up with my college boyfriend of two years with a letter. A letter delivered by post, not by hand. On Valentine’s Day. I didn’t realize it was Valentine’s Day until I received a box by post containing a card, chocolates, flowers and my favorite movie. Suffice it to say that my Valentine’s Day present that year was far better than his.
- Stole a care package from a classmate’s locker in fourth grade. It contained a bandanna, some Blow Pops, some sparkly stickers and a bottle of bubbles. I have no idea to this day why I felt the need to steal that shit.
- Ate an entire super-mega-jumbo-sized tin of gingersnaps in one sitting; blamed it on my parents’ Doberman.
- Sideswiped a parked car when I was sixteen and still naive in the ways of pulling into tight parking spaces. I got out of my car, surveyed the damage, assessed that there was none to my car and promptly sped away.
- Got a puppy from a shelter with my college roommate. The puppy grew up into an exceedingly stupid dog that neither of us wanted anymore. Gave the dog to a rancher some time in between my sophomore and junior years, hoping that would be a better home for her.
- Applied for and received a credit card when I was 18 and immediately inflicted $5,000 worth of damage with it. Having no means whatsoever of paying my credit card bills, went crying to my grandparents who paid it off for me. But I also didn’t get any Christmas or birthday presents that year.
- Told my newly-minted stepmother (she and my father had just gotten married a few weeks before) that the only reason I was tolerating her presence was because I expected her to be my maid. The actual quote was “Let’s get one thing straight: you’re only here to clean up after me; I don’t want to hear anything else out of you otherwise.” I was nine years old.
- Stole my parents’ car on twelve separate occasions when I was fifteen years old to go joy-riding around town with my friends.
- Faked a fainting spell in church to get out of having to sit through the entire service.
- Every time my mother found a pack of cigarettes in my purse (back when I was still a smoker), I blamed it on my friend Sarah leaving them there.
There are many more, believe me. But I think ten is enough for one night.