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Archive for the ‘humor’ Category

Overheard in the elevator after work…

Corporate Attorney:  Wow, Missy!  You don’t look like you’ve gained any weight at all during your pregnancy, except in your belly!

Pregnant Missy:  Are you kidding?  I’ve gained 23 pounds so far.

Corporate Attorney:  You’re gonna have a 23 pound baby?!?!

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April Fools!

Oy…

So, I’m back.  And busy.  So I’ll cut straight to the chase here.

Absolute favorite April Fool’s Day joke so far?  Belongs to Seeqpod.  No matter what song or artist you search for today, the first song that will come up is Rick Astley’s “Never Gonna Give You Up.”  Brilliant.

Go give it a try.  You know you want to.

I assume the fine folks at Seeqpod are familiar with the time-honored tradition of Rickrolling, and I applaud them for it.  Well done, sirs.

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I Just Can’t Help Myself

Fresh off a three-week ban from FARK, which was fresh off a two-week ban, which was fresh off a three-day ban, I’ve now managed to get myself banned for a whopping six weeks.  The ban also came with this email:

K:

Looks like you’re banned for the next six weeks. You were on quite a roll today.

-Moderator

None of my bannings have ever come with an email before.  I feel quite pleased with myself today.

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Way to do us proud, fellow Texans:

Super Tuesday not for Bexar voters

SAN ANTONIO — All the talk about Super Tuesday apparently caused confusion for many voters in Bexar County.

More than 1,000 calls poured into the Bexar County Elections Department on Monday from voters wanting to know where they could vote in Tuesday’s primary.

Problem is — Texas isn’t holding a primary on Tuesday, like more than 20 states are.

“The voters think they’re actually going to the polls (Tuesday) because it’s Super Tuesday,” said Bexar County Elections Commissioner Jacque Callanen. “It’s all over the national media and the local media that there’s a big election.”

It couldn’t have been Arkansas?  Or West Virginia?  It had to be Texas…

Oh, well.  Since this is out of Bexar County, I guess we can always blame all the “illegals” in San Antonio for making us look stupid.  It seems to be the popular thing to do these days.

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A You By Any Other Name

A fun meme from my friend MB McQueen: the DIY Name Generator!  I couldn’t resist…

1. My rock star name (first pet and current car)
Frisky Volvo

Doesn’t really have that Axl Rose-style ring to it, does it?

2. My gangsta name (ice cream flavour and cookie or biscuit)
Mint Chocolate Chip Oreo

I have a feeling that I’d be the gangsta that all the homies beat up mercilessly as preparation for actual turf war fights.

3. My fly girl name (first letter of first name, first three letters of last name)
K-Shi

Ugh.  Reminds me of that terrible 80s band, K-Blac.  Am I the only person who remembers them?

4. My detective name (favourite colour, favourite animal)
Brown Dog.

How is this a detective name?  I sound more like a tweedy English pub.

5. My soap opera name (middle name, city of birth)
Leigh Houston

I’m on Passions, aren’t I?  Great.

6. My Star Wars name (first three letters of your last name, first two of your first name)
Shi-Ka

This sounds evil.  But not the cool kind of evil, the henchman kind of evil that gets killed in the first fifteen minutes.

7. My superhero name (second favourite colour, favourite drink, add “the”)
The Green Milkshake.

I bring all the boys to the yard.  And then I defeat them and uphold justice!

8. My Nascar name (first two names of my two grandfathers)
Joe Ben (or Ben Joe, take your pick) 

These are both so country, it kills me.

9. My stripper name (favourite perfume, favourite sweet)
Chanel Toffee

Finally!  A name that lives up to itself!  Anyone named Chanel HAS to be a stripper, right?  It’s like being named Starla or Diamond.

10. My witness protection name (mother’s and father’s middle names)
Ann Allen

God, I sound boring.  I’d be the most boring protected witness ever.

11. My weather anchor name (fifth grade teacher’s name, a major city beginning with the same letter)
Cathy Calgary

I’m a dirty Canuck weather anchor.

12. My spy name (favourite season/flower)
Autumn Hyacinth

And we’re back to stripper names…

13. Cartoon name (favourite fruit plus garment you’re wearing, with an “ie” or “y” added)
Banana Pantsy

Heh.

14. Hippie name (what you ate for breakfast plus favourite tree)
Chorizo Birch

I’m a Mexican hippie, cabron.  You’d better recognize.

15. Your rockstar tour name (favourite hobby plus weather element, with “the”)
The Writing Snow

We drop lots of acid on this tour, natch. 

And MB’s very own, clever addition:

16: Blues singer name (a disability, a fruit or vegetable, and a president)
One-Armed Onion Kennedy

My favorite, by far.

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Me:  Sometimes I feel like I’m herding cats.

Coworker:  I think you mean cattle.

Me:  No, I meant “cats.”

Coworker:  That doesn’t make sense.  Why would you be herding cats?

Me:  Nevermind…

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I adore the Ben Folds cover of the “classic” Dr. Dre song “Bitches Ain’t Shit.” But this a cappella version by DeCadence (a student a cappella group from UC Berkeley) is close to eclipsing that cover in terms of sheer lunatic goodness:

Marcel Duchamp would be proud.  L.H.O.O.Q.

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