Archive for the ‘lists’ Category

An idea/meme cribbed from Margo, for my birthday:

Horoscopes!  The notoriously unreliable and far too broadly applicable self-indulgences we all know and love.  Here are mine, for November 11th:

From the Houston Chronicle:

TODAY’S BIRTHDAY (Nov. 11). Knowing where you’d like to be this time next year, you’re motivated to make the choices that will deliver you. You’re wary of situations and people who will hold you back. A relationship shift brings more love into your life in February. Finances reflect a new attitude about money in January. You share a special connection with Virgo and Taurus. Your lucky numbers are: 8, 4, 13, 22 and 18.

I’m not sure how Richard will feel about both the “relationship shift” or my “special connection with Virgo and Taurus.”  Does this mean my horoscope is predicting that I will pick up cuckolding as a hobby in the next year? How scandalous.

From Astrology.com:

Let others in your workplace or social group take the risks today — you’ve done enough lately! It’s not that you’re afraid of failing, it’s just that sometimes you need to spread the energy around the gang.

Wow, considering that I’ve been away from work for the last two weeks and my co-workers have been doing all of my work for my while I’ve been away, I’d say that’s a pretty shitty way to return the favor when I get back to work tomorrow.  Yeah, I can just feel their “energy” now.

From Cosmo.com:

Venus sends you a friendly reminder that you don’t need a reason to play. So feel free to get rowdy with your girls tonight.

You can always count on Cosmopolitan to provide a road map for the skankiest and most inappropriate way to get in the pants of that skeevy guy at the club and/or catch herpes, so why should their horoscopes be any different?  Yes, Sunday night — that’s the time to get “rowdy” in my book.

From Yahoo.com:

Sagittarius Moon will continue in force for the next two days – offering you a myriad of insights and brainstorms. When cosmic challenges are of minor consequence, today’s lunar dispensation can provide you with a happy-go-lucky demeanor and optimistic outlook on life. However, there are several difficult celestial sky patterns that can rain on your parade. Mercury re-entering Scorpio (12:42AM PST) – along with a Mercury-Juno union (3:27AM PST) – can suggest that stormy conditions are influencing the collective emotional world of humanity. Being too pushy, egocentric and demanding will hurt your chances of making gains with dear ones. In addition, the Sun squares Neptune at 5:44PM PST – a potentially frictional aspect that often coincides with a steep rise in confusion, chaos, illusions and deceptions. Placing your trust in friends and family members who are not always reliable may be a mistake. Signing papers, making long-term agreements, and buying large-ticket items can put you into a bind. This is one of those days when you don’t want to become your own worst enemy. Luckily, a Sun-Saturn 72-degree quintile formation from Scorpio to Virgo (6:04PM PST) can provide enough commonsense, objectivity, and realism to see you through several hours of uncertainty. Learn more from mentors and experienced professionals in your main fields of expertise. Ingenious ideas are pervasive as Sunday night morphs into Monday morning since Mercury trines Pallas in water signs (12:59AM PST tomorrow).

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…huh? Wha, what? I’m sorry, I dozed off somewhere after something about sky patterns.

And last, but not least, from Horoscope.com:

For those of us born on November 11
Happy Birthday!  The months ahead could see you taking up a good cause, especially when Mars begins to influence matters in the New Year, but don’t dream of changing the world: keep it real and be satisfied with what you do achieve.  You might expect too much from your romantic encounters, too, particularly during the early summer, although you will radiate an inner charm that will be quite irresistable.  By September, you’ll probably want to give your life an overhaul and introduce some positive changes ready for the challenges that the following New Year will bring.

So, basically, the theme for my next year of life is: set the bar low.  I’m so inspired by this, that I think I’m going to go out right now and not try to accomplish anything new or change my life in any measurable way.  Happy Birthday to me!


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I’m having a very Empire Records sort of day, which is probably driving the temp insane.  Good.

Sometimes I get in these moods where all I want to listen to is music from my high school days.  As far as I’m concerned, this short era in music was the critical boundary between the last of commercially-viable yet still good music and where we stand today — Clear Channel and their ilk ruling the airwaves, ramming mass-produced Top 40 crap down our throats.  It all sounds alike.  And it all sucks.  But that’s just my opinion.

Music in the late 90s, like I’ve said, was just barely straddling that fine line.  I mean, groups like the Indigo Girls were still making it onto mainstream radio — so that’s good — but then there was also the advent of Britney Spears and the tribes of heavily-makeupd, over-produced girls that followed her.

Even concert tickets were still affordable back then.  I could easily attend a whole slew of summer concerts (I was a devoted Lilith Fair follower at the time…) on my lifeguarding paycheck and still have plenty of money left over for buying cheap Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill to drink before the concerts and shopping for tacky, midriff-baring clothes at Gadzook’s to wear to the concerts.  Today you have the embarassment of Hannah Montana tickets selling out more quickly than Stones tickets, and for twice as much money.  God, what have we come to…?

So, back to my original subject.  A very abbreviated playlist of today’s tunes, for your auditory pleasure, is below.  Click the links to listen and enjoy your momentary trip back to the 90s, friends.

Have I missed your favorite, out of thousands out there?  Let me know…

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Mad Google Skills

In an ongoing meme, I present the latest Google search terms that have led cyber-wanderers to this page.

The Questions

  • how much is the david yurman employee discount?
  • how to vomit discreetly on a plane?
  • trashy maternity shirts?
  • pepto bismol okay when pregnant?
  • free silicone boobs?

 The Superlatives

  • very very very very sexy boobs
  • FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!

The Castigations

  • quit staring at these boobs!
  • im a dumbass american
  • i hate everything
  • lazy drunk

The Disquieting

  • Mottainai Grandma is coming
  • how to slaughter a lamb
  • insane asylum address, Odessa, TX
  • local trannies

The Confusing

  • mermice
  • scooter muppets
  • spoon badger
  • heavy eyeliner bleach mirror chair
  • boobs & BBQ
  • boobs & pine

The Awesome

  • mad ninja skills
  • i had a nightmare that i was a blonde
  • pig farms for sale in Portugal

The Ubiquitous and Omnipresent

  • dirndl fuck

This search term shows up at least twice a day in the Search Results page of my little behind-the-scenes meta widgets.  It would appear that the poor person from Germany is still out there, night after night, religiously Googling “dirndl fuck” in the hopes that one of these days, his searching will lead him to an entire website devoted to girls in dirndls doing possibly illegal things with beer steins.  There’s obviously a small yet devoted following for someone willing to undertake this task.  Will it be you?

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For Now

Until I feel up to writing more, here are a few things I’ll miss about my granddaddy:

  1. Some of his sayings:
    1. “Cowboys are tough!”
    2. “Close the barn door!” when actually referring to the garage door
    3. “Whatever Lola wants, Lola gets” when referring to my grandmother
    4. “It’s R-U-N-T, ruint!” instead of ruined
    5. “I tic-a-locked it!” which was his way of saying that a certain food item was off-limits because he had great plans for it later; this usually involved chocolate
  2. His thick Texas accent:
    1. Fire was pronounced “far”
    2. Temperature was pronounced “temp-a-ter”
    3. Get was pronounced “git”
    4. Palo Pinto (where he was born) was pronounced “Pal-a Pin-a”
    5. Help was pronounced “hep”
    6. Can’t was pronounced “cain’t”
  3. The smell of his cigars, even when he wasn’t smoking them but was just chewing on them all day until they were ragged, wet stumps
  4. The sound of the light next to his rocking chair being turned on and off via a little metal chain
  5. How much he loved The Price Is Right, which he called “Come On Down”
    1. One evening a few months ago,  I called him to let him know that the Bob Barker special was on TV so that he wouldn’t miss it.  He answered the phone and quickly hollered, “Can’t talk! ‘Come On Down’ is on!” and hung up on me.
  6. Hearing stories about his aircraft carrier in World War II and his childhood in Mineral Wells.
  7. Getting cards from him with his distinctive penmanship — in all caps — and always signed S.G.D., an abbreviation of my nickname for him: Sweet Grand Daddy.
  8. The way he could not only name any Big Band song, but also the songwriter, the bandleader, the singer and every single one of the band members and their instruments.
  9. His meticulous filing systems, for everything from his painstakingly compiled collection of old 45s to the hundreds of cards he would send out to friends and family members every year.
  10. The way he always answered the phone when he knew it was me calling: “Well, sweet Katie girl!”

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I’ve been at the new job for exactly three months now. I suppose this is the threshhold at which I can cease referring to it as my “new job,” although it still feels new to me. I’ve held a lot of jobs in my life, starting with the first job I ever held — as a freshly-minted 16 year old — which remains the best and most enjoyable job I’ve held to date. In chronological order:

  • Bookseller at Barnes & Noble:
    • I made thorough use of the employee discount and spent every single paycheck on books; they practically had to force me to leave the store each night after closing.
  • Lifeguard:
    • Two of the greatest summers of my life, although I have an abiding fear that eventual melanoma-related repercussions will prevent this job from ever being the “best” on my list.
  • YMCA summer camp counselor:
    • Another awesome summer, spent with some truly awesome kids.
  • Intern at Continental Airlines:
    • Yet another great job; Continental treats even its lowliest employees like golden gods.

And then we begin the downhill slide: (more…)

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Stolen Memes

Literary memes are pretty irresistable to me, folks.  If you’re even vaguely interested, read on.  If not, the next post is just right down the page there…  There you go…  Keep scrolling… (more…)

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Only The Penitent Man Shall Pass

Tonight I have decided to make a list. I enjoy list-making. It helps you center your priorities and focus on things which might otherwise slip away into some lonely non-list-having realm. I should also mention that I am quite drunk. Henceforth, some of what I may type may or may not make sense. That’s a lot of “may” sounds in one sentence. But regardless of how much sense I may or may not make, you can rest assured of one thing: my spelling and punctuation shall be impeccable!

Things I Have Done Of Which I Should Rightly Be Ashamed:

  1. Broke up with my college boyfriend of two years with a letter. A letter delivered by post, not by hand. On Valentine’s Day. I didn’t realize it was Valentine’s Day until I received a box by post containing a card, chocolates, flowers and my favorite movie. Suffice it to say that my Valentine’s Day present that year was far better than his.
  2. Stole a care package from a classmate’s locker in fourth grade. It contained a bandanna, some Blow Pops, some sparkly stickers and a bottle of bubbles. I have no idea to this day why I felt the need to steal that shit.
  3. Ate an entire super-mega-jumbo-sized tin of gingersnaps in one sitting; blamed it on my parents’ Doberman.
  4. Sideswiped a parked car when I was sixteen and still naive in the ways of pulling into tight parking spaces. I got out of my car, surveyed the damage, assessed that there was none to my car and promptly sped away.
  5. Got a puppy from a shelter with my college roommate. The puppy grew up into an exceedingly stupid dog that neither of us wanted anymore. Gave the dog to a rancher some time in between my sophomore and junior years, hoping that would be a better home for her.
  6. Applied for and received a credit card when I was 18 and immediately inflicted $5,000 worth of damage with it. Having no means whatsoever of paying my credit card bills, went crying to my grandparents who paid it off for me. But I also didn’t get any Christmas or birthday presents that year.
  7. Told my newly-minted stepmother (she and my father had just gotten married a few weeks before) that the only reason I was tolerating her presence was because I expected her to be my maid.  The actual quote was “Let’s get one thing straight: you’re only here to clean up after me; I don’t want to hear anything else out of you otherwise.”  I was nine years old.
  8. Stole my parents’ car on twelve separate occasions when I was fifteen years old to go joy-riding around town with my friends.
  9. Faked a fainting spell in church to get out of having to sit through the entire service.
  10. Every time my mother found a pack of cigarettes in my purse (back when I was still a smoker), I blamed it on my friend Sarah leaving them there.

There are many more, believe me.  But I think ten is enough for one night.

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