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Archive for the ‘quotable quotes’ Category

Happy Leap Year

As I walked out one evening,
Walking down Bristol Street,
The crowds upon the pavement
Were fields of harvest wheat.

And down by the brimming river
I heard a lover sing
Under an arch of the railway:
“Love has no ending.

“I’ll love you, dear, I’ll love you
Till China and Africa meet,
And the river jumps over the mountain
And the salmon sing in the street,

“I’ll love you till the ocean
Is folded and hung up to dry
And the seven stars go squawking
Like geese about the sky.

“The years shall run like rabbits,
For in my arms I hold
The Flower of the Ages,
And the first love of the world.”

But all the clocks in the city
Began to whirr and chime:
“O let not Time deceive you,
You cannot conquer Time.

“In the burrows of the Nightmare
Where Justice naked is,
Time watches from the shadow
And coughs when you would kiss.

“In headaches and in worry
Vaguely life leaks away,
And Time will have his fancy
To-morrow or to-day.

“Into many a green valley
Drifts the appalling snow;
Time breaks the threaded dances
And the diver’s brilliant bow.

“O plunge your hands in water,
Plunge them in up to the wrist;
Stare, stare in the basin
And wonder what you’ve missed.

“The glacier knocks in the cupboard,
The desert sighs in the bed,
And the crack in the tea-cup opens
A lane to the land of the dead.

“Where the beggars raffle the banknotes
And the Giant is enchanting to Jack,
And the Lily-white Boy is a Roarer,
And Jill goes down on her back.

“O look, look in the mirror?
O look in your distress:
Life remains a blessing
Although you cannot bless.

“O stand, stand at the window
As the tears scald and start;
You shall love your crooked neighbour
With your crooked heart.”

It was late, late in the evening,
The lovers they were gone;
The clocks had ceased their chiming,
And the deep river ran on.

“As I Walked Out One Evening” — W. H. Auden

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OMGWTFBBQ!

I caught myself saying the following heavily acronym-laden phrase today in a meeting, with a completely straight face:

“Do you have an ETA on the BAA for the SE LLC EAP yet? Because we need that ASAP.”

And then silently hated myself for the next hour of the meeting.

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Me:  Sometimes I feel like I’m herding cats.

Coworker:  I think you mean cattle.

Me:  No, I meant “cats.”

Coworker:  That doesn’t make sense.  Why would you be herding cats?

Me:  Nevermind…

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The skinny, barely adolescent, half-Chinese, half-Mexican temp from Seattle who’s sharing my office:

Him:  Yeah, man. I can’t ever think of the words that I want to say, like, when I want to say them. And that’s why I’m not a rapper.

Me:  …really?  That’s the only thing standing between you and a rap career?

Him:  Yeah, dawg.

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Paging Dr. Evil

Perhaps only in my line of business would you hear the following phrase in a meeting:

“I can’t say that we’re 100% firm without lasers.  With lasers, yes.”

It’s all about the lasers, folks.

Speaking of odd phrases in meetings, never again do I want to hear a 5o-something man in a nice suit who’s presenting on an important topic to say, “My bad.”  Never.  Again.  Doesn’t exactly inspire confidence among the masses.  Also?  If your name isn’t Cher Horowitz, you pretty much have no excuse to ever, ever use that phrase unless employed as an ironic device.  Which I’m pretty sure it wasn’t.

*sigh*  Lazy, teenage jargon is taking over the English language more and more every day.

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These two items from TWoP‘s recap of last night’s “Kitchen Nightmares” episode cracked me up this afternoon:

In the kitchen, Brian knocks back a beer and brags about drinking Ramsay under the table. Whatever, Ramsay would be on his eighth glass of whisky and you’d be passed out from his fumes.

and

In the dining room, Ramsay critiques the lack of atmosphere and says the lacy curtains look like “you’re going to visit your grandmother.” Yeah, if your grandmother lives in a bar. Actually, Ramsay’s grandmother probably does.

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I don’t care if he drops the F-bomb every two seconds, Gordon Ramsay can come to my kitchen any time. >:)

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Totally Rad

I’ve got nothing but mad, mad love for Natalie Portman.  I really should go right now and add her to my “Girl Crush” list.  But that said, this short piece is — in a perfect little nutshell –why I love the hilarious writers at The Superficial:

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Natalie Portman attended the world premiere of her new movie Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium last night in New York. For her outfit she decided to wear a hot pink over-sized T-shirt from the 80s. Hmm, bold move, Natalie Portman. But I have to ask were they all out of high top sneakers and banana clips? No, seriously, you could’ve borrowed a pair of my stone-washed jeans. They’re right over here next to the DeLorean and Tom Selleck. Wow, I should probably stop before I write an entire season of Family Guy in one post.

Perez Hilton and his ilk have nothing on these guys. It’s ridiculously easy to mock celebrities, but it takes good writers to actually make it funny instead of crass and unoriginal. Read the rest of the post here.

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