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Ouch

Reason #48 Why You Shouldn’t Walk Around Barefoot In Your Office, Even If It’s Intolerably Hot And Your Shoes Are Making Your Feet Simultaneously Sweat And Hurt:

You will most likely get a thumbtack imbedded in the ball of your foot, causing you to fall unglamorously to the ground, wailing and shrieking and cursing the Lord with very unladylike language.  You will then have to hobble around for the rest of the afternoon while people ask you, “What happened to your foot?” and your only reply will be to blush furiously and claim, “Nothing!”  And then those people will ask, “Was that you we heard yelling earlier?  Are you sure something didn’t happen?”  And you’ll have to shamefully admit that, yes, you stepped directly onto a thumbtack while barefoot and sheepishly dart away before they can ask you any more questions.

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Things not to say to the accounting manager at your company:

Hmm. Your department usually smells like Cheerios, but today it just smells like rubber doll heads.

As if I was expecting her to gesture broadly to a box in the corner of her office, filled with rubber doll heads, and say, “Thanks! I just got rid of my box full of Cheerios last week and it’s taken a while for the smell to clear out.”

What the hell, mouth? Do you not have internal conversations with the random-shit-filter in my brain before you start moving?

I mean, seriously. I hear a lot of stupid things at work, but — sadly — the stupidest things seem to come from me.

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Overheard in the elevator after work…

Corporate Attorney:  Wow, Missy!  You don’t look like you’ve gained any weight at all during your pregnancy, except in your belly!

Pregnant Missy:  Are you kidding?  I’ve gained 23 pounds so far.

Corporate Attorney:  You’re gonna have a 23 pound baby?!?!

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Towards the end of a long phone conversation today with one of my field reps, I came across this conversational gem:

Rep:  …so, anyway, the reason I ask is that his daughter’s pregnant and the doctor’s office is saying that the insurance won’t cover the pregnancy.  Do you think it’s because she’s fifteen?

Me:  Her age doesn’t have anything to do with it.  Since she’s under the age limit, the plan will cover her pregnancy.  However, once her child is born, there will be no further medical coverage for that child.  She will have to insure the child herself.

Rep:  Well, then why did the doctor’s office say that?

Me:  I’m guessing that they didn’t call to verify benefits and just assumed that the pregnancy wouldn’t be covered, since most medical plans don’t offer maternity benefits to a dependent child.  It’s quite a controversy in the health insurance world, so we’re a bit unusual in that aspect, as we do cover it.

Rep:  Hey!  What a great benefit!  I should tell our employees that!  You know, that we cover dependent children’s pregnancies and most other places don’t.

Me:  No.  Please don’t do that.

Rep:  …oh, yeah.  I guess we don’t really want to encourage teen pregnancy, huh?

Me:  Pretty much, nope.

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When I bcc you on an email out of professional courtesy — so that you can see how a certain situation involving one of your employees is proceeding, even though you’re really not supposed to have this much detail about said situation at your level of involvement and I could get in a lot of trouble for even forwarding the email to you, much less bcc’ing you on it — DON’T REPLY TO ALL, YOU USELESS COW.

I’m just saying.  You might want to consider it.

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OMGWTFBBQ!

I caught myself saying the following heavily acronym-laden phrase today in a meeting, with a completely straight face:

“Do you have an ETA on the BAA for the SE LLC EAP yet? Because we need that ASAP.”

And then silently hated myself for the next hour of the meeting.

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The glue on the envelopes here at work tastes like beef fajitas.  I’m not sure how I feel about this.

On one hand, it’s gross.  Fajita beef-flavored glue?  If I was going to make glue in flavors, beef would not be one of the choices.  Grape, maybe.  Or cherry*.  Or something unexpected, like cream soda.  But not beef.

On the other hand, it’s the only thing semi-interesting to happen to me all day: licking beef-flavored envelopes.

God, I need a change of pace.

*Why is it that when manufacturers give flavors to normally non-flavored items (like Robitussin or anti-snore spray), the only acceptable flavors are in the fruit or mint families?  Ruminate on that for a while.

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